After many arduous and agonizing days of research, I have learned one thing for certain: cancer is rude and not entertaining. Doctors and Nurses are at an extreme disadvantage based on how we see them portrayed on TV: all-knowing and fitting neatly in a three-act structure. My kids have taken to watching “House,” and I have to laugh at how fantastical it is. After telling me I’m like an episode of “House” trying to figure out the best course of treatment, I asked if he ever gets it wrong. “Well, someone usually dies, and then he learns where they made a mistake and gets it right.”

Got it. Enjoy your show.

Without going into the boring details (rest assured I went deep into the details on this), the majority of Doctors I have discussed my case with recommended no chemo and to focus on the more extreme course of endocrine therapy for 5-10 years with the addition of verzenio for 2 years. It took a great deal of convincing the voices in my head that told me I should buckle down and get chemo. Still, the latest research and thinking for my specific situation is that I should focus on successfully completing the recommended course of pretty big-deal drugs for the foreseeable future and start radiation next week. You can google its side effects, and it isn’t cute or lightweight. Verzenio, while more targeted, can really do a number on a person, so I’ve taken to calling in slow-mo-chemo in my brain (apparently, the voices in my head have their own tumor board; who knew?)

Chemo, in my situation, may show a 3% improvement or may show a -3% poor outcome based on the estimate from Dr. Google and the tumor board in my brain. Basically, they don’t know if it will come back or not, and I need to do what I’ll feel best about if it does. I’m betting on the majority of doctors (with the correct pathology report) I discussed my case with and the latest thinking rather than conventional wisdom. Both have their benefits and drawbacks. If it comes back after chemo, I’d kick myself for not listening to the majority of doctors and delaying the care that has a better chance of working (even if it is relatively new and scary for oncologists steeped in conventional wisdom). If it came back without chemo, I can say I did what was recommended based on what we know now. It isn’t the Doctor’s fault that I don’t have the certainty I want. As I mentioned, cancer is just rude. Doctors are the overworked bouncers escorting these little drunk demons from the premises. It doesn’t have to make sense or be socially acceptable. it usually isnt’t. You do the best you can with what you’ve got and hope it doesn’t come back or barf on you.

Anyway, feeling more confident in my care, I went to a nurse consultation to begin Lupron which basically throws me off a hormonal cliff and puts me in forced menopause. I discussed it with my prescribing doctor and Dr. Google, so I’m not entirely sure what this extra appointment was about. I suspect it had something to do with a required consult before scheduling. It was quick and reminded me of the box I check when opting out of consultation with the overworked pharmacist. As mentioned, everyone on Planet Cancer is super nice, and I was quickly escorted back to review and discuss the paperwork provided that clearly explains what Lupron does for prostate cancer.

I was relieved to learn from the nurse that I don’t have prostate cancer, but she couldn’t find a printout about what lupron does for breast cancer. She put her finger over “prostate” twice and explained the side effects, including how it lowers my testosterone.

I am hesitant to share this story, but this is too shocking and hilarious not to share. At some point, I may tell you about how I recovered from my mastectomy in the maternity ward surrounded by lactation info for new moms. No prop master would have let that slide on “House.”

Being human is such a trip. I can’t imagine working on Planet Cancer and I am extending all the gratitude to those who do. Hopefully, I am only visiting but I will need to make regular trips for a while. If I can share my experience and leave it a little better for the next guest, I will.

My tip for the day is to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it to the best of your ability, then let the little shit go. Bonus points if you can laugh about it when it happens, but it WILL HAPPEN.

Please, someone who knows where I was, get those poor nurses the correct materials. It seems incredibly unfair to do an overworked office, and if I were a more confused person, it might be dangerous.

Onward, thanks again for all the support.

Here’s some art: