Cancer Update: Emerging Wobbly

I’ve delayed updates, hoping to provide a definitive picture of my progress. People keep asking how I’m doing, and I keep answering, but I’m not sure I believe what I’m saying at any given time. The most humbling part of this journey is the embarrassment of realizing I barely know or trust this meat suit I’ve been walking around in for 53 years.

I finished radiation, and it wasn’t too bad; 3 out of 10 would not recommend as a spa treatment, but well worth the investment in frying that little cancer demon. I’m okay, and the staff at Sutter in Auburn was amazing. I never really got satisfaction with what happened at the other hospital, mostly because I don’t know what satisfaction looks like in this instance. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day, but I doubt it. I’m only willing to put energy into making something better, and I don’t think I have that power with how the American healthcare system is set up.

Moving forward, I’ve started the medications that I’ll be on for the next 2-5 or maybe 10 years. I’ll also have one more reconstruction surgery in about six months. I am/was stage 3, so I’ll never really be free of worry, and the medications are a real ass-kicker. I don’t want people to worry, but I want them to care. I don’t want to think about it all the time, but I can’t ever forget. The meds are no joke and could have significant side effects until I figure out how to manage them. I’ll get there, but I’m still wobbly.

Crooked Ears Hear Everything
Mixed Media on Wood Panel
8 x 8 

On my walk the other day, I ran into a friend who said, “I don’t know what to say.”  Dude, me either! I barely know what day it is—the various decorations in medical reception areas are the only clues since February. There was a tornado of paper hearts, shamrocks, Easter eggs, and American flags in a haze of blood draws, scans, surgical prep, and painkillers. I’ve been tumbled and deposited in a new normal I barely recognize. Finding myself here on Pumpkin Spice Eve is disconcerting, to say the least. Where did the time go, where did my life go, and what am I supposed to do with all these expensive bras I can’t wear anymore but I’m not quite ready to get rid of? Who am I if I can’t complain about underwire anymore?

These Wings Are Heavy
Mixed Media on Canvas
8" x 10"

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking my daily walk, and falling asleep on the sofa. I dreamt a dear friend of mine was so furious with me that she never wanted to speak to me again and cursed my lack of gratitude. I will accept it not as a judgment but as a reminder that there is no way I’ll ever be able to express how grateful I am for the kindness, care, and generosity expressed in word, deed, financial support, memes, and emojis lifting me up these past few months. Those close to me and people I barely know have supported me in ways I didn’t even have the imagination to ask for. The women I have met online while on Planet Cancer have been anchors to sanity 24/7. Every bit of kindness or good wishes sent my way is like a miracle that punctures the haze of disease, snapping the beauty of life into sharp, startling focus.

It’s a trip. I’m grateful you’re here. Thank you again.

Saint Chicken
Mixed Media on Wood 
5" x 5"

I’m finding time to paint. It feels good to be busy at home. Everything shared here and 6-7 other new works will be available online only in The Quirk Show, where collectors bid on Facebook. If you are interested in being tagged when the show goes live, join The Auctions with Stephanie Gago's community and learn more, or reach out on my page, and I’ll add your name to the list.

Or sign up for my newsletter, and I’ll keep you posted without spamming you like I’m running for office.

Everything’s Changed

I get it. I don’t know the right thing to say either. It is all so personal and universal.
It’s weird for me, too!

Everything has changed.
Treat me the same.
But know that I’m different.
We can figure it out together.

The small ones go fast, so follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or Etsy if you want to purchase. I plan on painting through the end of the year.

Forgive me for TMI or shutdown, or if I laugh at something offensive, cancel plans or charge ahead and break something with these bull horns. On Planet Cancer, gravity is different, and my right arm is numb.

Don’t worry about offending me. I won’t be shy if I feel I’m owed an apology. I’ll let you know how I’m doing, but don’t ask unless you’re prepared for complicated or confusing answers.  This shit is complicated and confusing.

I’m happy to ignore it too. I talk about it all day with doctors, billing departments, close family, and insurance companies. I have online support from a community that shares my diagnosis and treatment plans. They want to get into the gritty details and are available 24/7. This is one instance where social media fulfills the promise of the internet and a more connected world. It is a miracle I plan to share more about.

I’m more than happy to take a break from Planet Cancer and don’t feel compelled to get everyone up to speed all the time.

“How’s Planet Cancer?”
“It’s a fucking trip.”
“Yeah, I bet.”

I will feel sufficiently checked in on, and you can dive right into whatever is going on with you. Bonus points if you’ve got something juicy going on or the inside scoop on what the hell is going on with the Democratic Party (no hot takes, inside scoop only; I will vet your credentials).

Hang in there, friends.

I’ll do the same.

Cancer Update: Good News, I Don’t Have Prostate Cancer!

After many arduous and agonizing days of research, I have learned one thing for certain: cancer is rude and not entertaining. Doctors and Nurses are at an extreme disadvantage based on how we see them portrayed on TV: all-knowing and fitting neatly in a three-act structure. My kids have taken to watching “House,” and I have to laugh at how fantastical it is. After telling me I’m like an episode of “House” trying to figure out the best course of treatment, I asked if he ever gets it wrong. “Well, someone usually dies, and then he learns where they made a mistake and gets it right.”

 Got it. Enjoy your show.

 Without going into the boring details (rest assured I went deep into the details on this), the majority of Doctors I have discussed my case with recommended no chemo and to focus on the more extreme course of endocrine therapy for 5-10 years with the addition of verzenio for 2 years. It took a great deal of convincing the voices in my head that told me I should buckle down and get chemo. Still, the latest research and thinking for my specific situation is that I should focus on successfully completing the recommended course of pretty big-deal drugs for the foreseeable future and start radiation next week. You can google its side effects, and it isn’t cute or lightweight. Verzenio, while more targeted, can really do a number on a person, so I’ve taken to calling in slow-mo-chemo in my brain (apparently, the voices in my head have their own tumor board; who knew?)

Chemo, in my situation, may show a 3% improvement or may show a -3% poor outcome based on the estimate from Dr. Google and the tumor board in my brain. Basically, they don’t know if it will come back or not, and I need to do what I’ll feel best about if it does. I’m betting on the majority of doctors (with the correct pathology report) I discussed my case with and the latest thinking rather than conventional wisdom. Both have their benefits and drawbacks. If it comes back after chemo, I’d kick myself for not listening to the majority of doctors and delaying the care that has a better chance of working (even if it is relatively new and scary for oncologists steeped in conventional wisdom). If it came back without chemo, I can say I did what was recommended based on what we know now. It isn’t the Doctor’s fault that I don’t have the certainty I want. As I mentioned, cancer is just rude. Doctors are the overworked bouncers escorting these little drunk demons from the premises. It doesn’t have to make sense or be socially acceptable. it usually isnt’t. You do the best you can with what you’ve got and hope it doesn’t come back or barf on you.

Anyway, feeling more confident in my care, I went to a nurse consultation to begin Lupron which basically throws me off a hormonal cliff and puts me in forced menopause.  I discussed it with my prescribing doctor and Dr. Google, so I’m not entirely sure what this extra appointment was about. I suspect it had something to do with a required consult before scheduling. It was quick and reminded me of the box I check when opting out of consultation with the overworked pharmacist.  As mentioned, everyone on Planet Cancer is super nice, and I was quickly escorted back to review and discuss the paperwork provided that clearly explains what Lupron does for prostate cancer.

I was relieved to learn from the nurse that I don’t have prostate cancer, but she couldn’t find a printout about what lupron does for breast cancer. She put her finger over “prostate” twice and explained the side effects, including how it lowers my testosterone.

Hahahahahahahahaha! I signed it anyway.

 I am hesitant to share this story, but this is too shocking and hilarious not to share. At some point, I may tell you about how I recovered from my mastectomy in the maternity ward surrounded by lactation info for new moms. No prop master would have let that slide on “House.”

Being human is such a trip. I can’t imagine working on Planet Cancer and I am extending all the gratitude to those who do. Hopefully, I am only visiting but I will need to make regular trips for a while. If I can share my experience and leave it a little better for the next guest, I will.

My tip for the day is to know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it to the best of your ability, then let the little shit go. Bonus points if you can laugh about it when it happens, but it WILL HAPPEN.

Please, someone who knows where I was, get those poor nurses the correct materials. It seems incredibly unfair to do an overworked office, and if I were a more confused person, it might be dangerous.

Onward, thanks again for all the support.

Here’s some art:

“Queen Bullish”
5” x 7”
Oil, Acrylic Graphite
Available Now $99 Free Shipping

Update 3: Breaking News! No News!

For the past decade or so, I’ve found myself hooked into cable news like being stuck to a live wire. It’s killing me, but I can’t let it go. At various times, I’ll try to wean myself or seek an antidote in talking to other humans or dosing myself with news “from the other side.” We’ve got problems when the baseline of popular TV journalism has a side, but I digress…we are talking about ME and the United Nations of Cancer Cells I’m either hosting or exiling. Like the “Breaking News,” which isn’t really breaking or news but a series of fragments organized for entertainment or edification, I don’t have the final answer or outcome yet; I only have more information and hunches from pundits and experts. Some helpful and some not. I can find any number of experts to support whatever position I prefer. I’m staying the course and awaiting the “key race alert” that will call it.

Here's the update: 

PET Scans looked clear, but I haven’t spoken to the doctor about them yet. Again, Dr. Google was responsive so I’m more than okay with that for now. It’s a win but hasn’t been certified yet.

The Tumor Board (a collection of doctors I suspect meets in a secret lair under the hospital) discussed my case. A nurse navigator called and told me she saw a note that they discussed my cancer and what I should do, but she couldn’t tell me anything about that. Cool, have a great weekend.

United Healthcare denied my claim and decided that a CT scan was unnecessary. I already did that scan, and the information sure felt important, but nah, they aren’t going to pay for it. They’re like the jerk boyfriend of a friend not invited to dinner who squeezes into the booth, asks for an extra glass, sticks his fingers in the hummus and then argues over the bill after all the apps have been shared and wine distributed. I wish I didn’t have to dine with him again, but it looks like we will be vacationing together for a while. We’ll fight it, but “UGH, I get it’s your money but no one wants you here!”

Next week, I have an appointment to start radiation, but I think the secret doctor meeting is probably going to tell me to wait for the third opinion that is pending later this week.

Thank you for the wonderful responses here and in person to my updates. I write this to sort myself out and share information all in one place. If it is helpful or entertaining at all, it is a bonus for my battered morale during a confusing time.

One friend even sent me a replacement sugar jar, so I know she read it carefully and loves me. Guess what? THIS is Breaking News! Literally, here is how it arrived.

Again, I think it means something. Feel the imperfection and embrace the love regardless of outcomes. Sweetness will arrive when it is ready and in surprising ways. The profoundly flawed humanity of every living soul is the true live wire that connects us all regardless of what network we watch. Except for health insurance companies. They can fuck right off.

If you are interested in my art, visit my shop here. My little demon from the previous post is now available, and I’ll be stocking new work when it is finished, hopefully more regularly.

Here is some of the time-lapse of “That Demon is Me” now available here.

Available now on Etsy

Here are some reviews of my shop. It means a lot to have this feedback to share and to know that my paintings found a loving home. Every comment and kudos is appreciated. If you have purchased my work here or on eBay, please review it to help me appease our robot overlords.

Thanks again for letting me share.

Cancer Update 2: Thanks, I Hate It Here!

Welcome to Planet Cancer, where nothing is as it appears, and the unknowable is always seeking to be known. Dear friends, I’m here to report this still sucks, but maybe a little less or more, depending on multiple variables that I have no control over and barely understand.

The good news is that the blankets are warm and everyone seems really nice and wants to be extra kind to me. Unfortunately, that makes me want to cry. See, I told you, nothing is making sense around here.

The latest is:

Yep, you read that right. A typo on the pathology report. That was from my surgeon, who was enjoying a well-earned vacation. I have no idea what else she accomplished this year, but if I could buy her a week at an all-inclusive for her steady hand and clear communication during my treatment, I would. She did follow up with the pathologist. It was a typo.

Based on this typo, that I didn’t know about, Oncologist 1 just looked at the number and signed me up for chemo. He seemed to be reviewing the report for the first time while I was sitting there. I might say “skimmed it”, but that is probably harsher than I actually feel. He was really nice, and it wasn’t his mistake, but yeah. that happened. Hade to share. 

Oncologist 2 (my second opinion because I’m following the rules of this new planet), asked why it was T4 when I didn’t have what T4 meant after reading the actual report. “Ummm…I don’t know, I’m new here. I know not of your ways!” Before I was diagnosed, I only had a vague sense of the new cancer stages that went beyond the 1-4 you see in movies. If you’re interested, you can find more details here.

 Guess which oncologist I went with?

 Regardless of her questions about the pathology, Oncologist 2 still thought I needed chemo at our first meeting. I was ready on Tuesday to get my schedule and get this thing going. I’ve got my brows done, books on chemo read, and a wig fitting on the calendar. I’m ready!

Guess what.

Based on further testing, a corrected report, and a consult with a renowned expert, Oncologist 2 doesn’t think I need chemo. She encouraged me to get another opinion from another renowned expert for peace of mind and put that referral in for me. I'm trying to absorb how a typo of such meaning happened. I don’t think it has fully hit me.

 But WAIT THERE’S MORE!

On Planet Cancer, the thrills never stop. This was all before the results of my latest scans. It seems like there could be something, but maybe nothing there, so I get more scans. These are more pricey ones so insurance approval is pending.

My little Demon Toddler is grade 1. Slow but committed based on the size.

My radiology appointment is next week, but I’m unsure if I can move forward with that until after I know what I’m doing with chemo, which will be informed by scans currently in review with United Healthcare. (I’ll keep Doctor names out of this but not insurance companies that delay care.) Round and round we go!

I’m not outraged, even though this all feels outrageous. I’m as concerned as ever, even though it seems like I should be relieved. I’m drowning in medical journals and consulting Dr. Google. I swore I wasn’t going to go into medical details because it is pretty boring to get up to speed on the details, and it puts people I love who are not steeped in information in the dangerous territory of saying the exact wrong thing. For your own safety, please, no hot takes on what you think I should do unless you are a doctor, and you should probably shush if you’re not an oncologist who specializes in lobular breast cancer. It really isn’t good news or bad news; it's just news that yields more questions. Clarity would be the gift.

I also broke my $2 sugar jar that I love today and saw these beauties from my neighbors push through the fence for the first time. I’m not supposed to have a wood fence near the house due to wildfire concerns, but it looks so pretty. I’m not supposed to have sugar or even fake sugar based on the latest studies, but sometimes I need something sweet. It all seems related somehow, balancing a life well-lived with a life lived long in big and small ways. It makes sense to me here on this planet I hope none of you need to visit or revisit any time soon.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If you’d like to read more about the latest on to chemo or not to chemo here is a good article. https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/chemo-for-breast-cancer

The test that says no chemo is an Oncotype approved for tumors smaller than mine. Here is some info on the latest thinking there on size and oncotype. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0360301623054822

Cancer Update: Good News, Bad News, No News

First, thank you for the well-wishes, cards, food, art sales, shares, thumbs up, prayers, flowers, high vibes, donations, snacks, check-ins, and general support. Every bit of it was truly received and appreciated. I am still in awe of my community, friends, and family, who showed up with magical precision.

Good news: I’m recovering well from surgery and starting to feel more human. The cancer surgeon (total rock star) got clean margins and scooped 17 lymph nodes from a narrow opening (who knew I had such tricky lymph node placement?). Regular check-ins with the plastic surgeon have been routine, and I am beginning to get used to a new normal-ish.

Bad news: the cancer was more significant than showed on MRI and had made its way to the lymph nodes.

Good news: in only 1 out of 17 nodes.

Bad news: but it was macro and showed up in surrounding areas.

Good news: my bone scans are clear.

Bad news: I will need chemo and radiation and maybe more surgery.

No news: I still need more scans the first week in June and am hopeful they will be clear as well, but it is pending and weighing heavily. Please don’t say, “I’m sure it will be fine,” as you can’t know that, and no one does. There isn’t anything to say to lighten that load, as this journey has been about accepting the news as it comes and hoping for the best. Hold the space for me of not knowing and stay with me there.  That’s the best we can do on that one.

Good news: I’m resolved and ready to make the best of this bullshit. I’m not feeling like a warrior as this cancer was built by my body, and fighting my body doesn’t feel like the right way to go right now. I am visualizing a drunk demon toddler with a gun showing up with a rotten macaroni necklace, “Look what I made for you! I worked so hard on it for all this time in secret! I hid it from everyone!  SURPRISE!”. I need to remind that demon child that I appreciate the effort gently, but it needs to put down the gun and channel the creative efforts into something less hazardous and more helpful. If I kick its ass, then my ass may go with it. It needs a mother, not a warrior. I will hold this image of this confused part of my body, and you’re welcome to do the same. “Good job buddy, now let’s see about how we can put that gun away and who gave you that martini…?!” Once it is gone, we can talk more shit about it or look into reform schools.

“That Demon is Me”
8” x 8”
Oil, Acrylic, Graphite, Pastel on Wood

My word for the year is “selve”; it is self as a verb. So far, 2024 has gone above and beyond “hold my beer” and set up a banquet for me in the self-care department. This crazy cancer demon is as much a part of me as anything else. I will constantly look for balance in marveling at creation and hating it enough to save myself. It is a highly personal journey, and I know that sharing it may do some good for my mental health and others. I will try to handle it the way I handle most things, with candor and privacy when required, mainly through art and social media. Please allow the indulgence. General feedback is welcome, and if you are struggling and have questions, feel free to PM me.

I have so many wonderful people who offer to be there to talk about cancer. Please don't take it personally if I don’t feel like talking about it. The odds are almost 100% that it is not something I want to do with my friends. I want to talk about cancer with world-renowned oncologists and those actively treating me. This shit is complicated, takes up a ton of my time, and changes daily. I want to talk about gossip, gardening, reality television, art, politics, movies, food, TikTok humor, thrift store finds, cannabis gummies, empty nesting, shoe sales, makeup, grilling vegetables, fashion, farm fresh eggs, river flows, binging Netflix, new car shopping, bread baking, music and all the other things I love and forgot to mention. I have a great support system of people I talk with about cancer: those who have been there, are currently there, and those who are on the front lines negotiating with my demon child. Getting everyone up to speed on cancer isn’t fun for anyone. I assure you, it will be boring for you and tiring for me. Send dumb memes instead.

 For those who are interested, I have been diagnosed with invasive lobular breast cancer. It is hormone-positive and HER2-negative. I have been doing yearly mammograms and breast exams since my 30s due to family history. NO ONE felt it, even after the diagnosis and the specialists' examination, still didn’t feel it. NO MACHINE saw the whole picture; mammogram, ultrasound, and MRI didn’t pick up everything happening. I didn’t know about the different ways lobular grows and shows up. I wish I did, so I’m telling you now. Even if you do “everything right” this shit can still happen. If you have a history of breast cancer in your family and/or dense breasts, talk to your doctor about new genetic testing (it is getting more advanced every year) and closer regular screenings. Please get your yearly mammogram and stay on top of every breast twinge and change.

Chemo starts sometime next month. I hear they have made significant progress in managing side effects. I’ll still be Bald AF, though. I’ll keep you posted here.

Onward!

New Auction: September 2023

New art is coming September 2023. Sign up below to get the details on how to bid during a special event.

What Did I Miss?

I feel like that guy who dips out near the end of the first act, returns at the climax, and asks “…What’d I miss?…wait a minute, who’s that? Wasn’t she dead…? ”

Do you too?

The last time I posted here was summer of 2018.

I’m back. You missed a lot. So did I.
Did you know there was a pandemic?

Excuse me as I shake off the crust of this suspended animation goo that has kept me from my fullest expression of art, love, and community.

Let me know how you’re doing too. Shit got weird.
Let’s get back to life together.

New Printable Postcards by Request "Where Are the Girls?"

Download a free .pdf that will print with postcard stock, 4 to a page or Avery product numbers 3263, 33380, 3377, 3380, 3381, 5689, 8383, 8387, 8577. Do not select, "scale to fit media" or anything like that on your print menu. 

I can't believe we need to ask these questions. 

Word for the Year 2018

ambitious

ADJECTIVE
 1 Having or showing a strong desire and determination to succeed.

‘a ruthlessly ambitious workaholic’

More example sentences

Synonyms

1.    1.1 (of a plan or piece of work) intended to satisfy high aspirations and therefore difficult to achieve.

‘an ambitious enterprise’

My word for the year is “ambitious” and I don’t like it so I’ll work on it until I do. Last year’s word, “nuance” was gentle and nurturing, an invitation to explore and sit with the confusion until the mist cleared. It made me feel better, made me a little smarter, and met me where I was with no judgment. This word though is like a junior high bully that still makes my stomach drop if I see her at the hometown Target 20 years later. We have a history, you see and I had packed ambition away as something too dangerous to consider with young kids in the house. This year, it won’t leave me alone. I wanted a different word but like most bullies, the power it wields is in my head and it is best to confront it head on.

Etymology reveals that early use in English was “always pejorative” so my revulsion isn’t completely unfounded but there is something particularly repulsive about claiming “ambitious” while female and that is what needs to change in my own mind if I hope to make a difference for anyone else, my family included.  Last month, I was speaking to a local business leader explaining a concept I thought might help the area, he grinned in a kind way, and oozed, “wellll, that’s ambitious…” If he could have patted me on my head I’m sure he would have and he awoke the beast. “Ambitious” sidled up to the bar right next to me and hasn’t left since. “Hey Pal, wanna show them what you’re really made of and crush someone along the way?”

“Go away! I’m a nice lady. He didn’t mean it that way. I like my quiet life. I’m a Mom! I need to worry about carpools and dance costumes.”

“That will never be enough…let’s be ugly.”

So that is my challenge for 2018. Can I create a path where compassion and maturity coexists with ambition? Can I trust myself with it? Can I use it for good? Can I make it not so ugly? I think so. I do feel hearted to learn that the Latin root is, ambitionem (nominative ambitio) "a going around," especially to solicit votes.  Soliticing votes in 2018 seems a worthy pursuit!

I begin my journey with an ambitious list of how I would like to show up in 2018. In the past I thought ambition was about “having it all” but I don’t believe anyone should have it all. That thinking leads to the ugly, lonely side of ambition and is not what I want my year to be about. I do believe everyone should have what they need and will do what I can to work towards that goal. If your word hasn’t found you yet, I’d welcome some company. Feel free to share your own ambitious list for 2018.

1.    All the people I love and care for will feel loved and cared for. This includes my husband, daughters, my rural community, my digital community, co-workers and friends.

2.     I will be compensated for my time, experience, and expertise appropriately so I am able to donate my time, experience and expertise to worthy causes.

3.     I will work with people I trust and respect and be sure they trust and respect me.

4.     My art will not stagnate as my schedule changes.

5.     I will help my family get out of debt and be honest about financial limitations.

6.     I will teach my daughters to care for themselves, their home, and each other. I will not let my own anxiety about being a “perfect mom” keep them from growing into confident women.

7.     I will understand my privilege and use it accordingly. I will model a better way to show up or sit down as needed. If I make a mistake I will apologize and work harder to do better.

8.     I will help the women I know and respect win their political races.

9.     I will review my past choices and be open to both harsh critique and generous reframing. I will apologize and forgive as needed.

10.  I will not quit.

11. I will work with love and peace as my guide and not allow ambition to make me or my goals ugly. 

Wish me luck. I'm tired already. 

Of Mice and Snakes (and Sticks that look like Snakes)

On my walk yesterday I walked right up to a stick, that was actually this!

"How stupid of me", I immediately thought then realized I didn't even know why I felt stupid; for thinking it was a stick, for being alarmed it was a snake, for feeling jumpy walking past it when it clearly didn't want to harm me?

"Either way, I'll keep an eye out when I walk back. Oh look, there it is!"

Nope, just a stick. I felt stupid again for all the same reasons in reverse; for overthinking it, for being too cautious, for not enjoying my walk correctly, for not keeping it breezy, cool, and strong. 

This all-knowing, I am consumed with getting right, that runs like a soundtrack to my life, changing tempo to cue hilarity, peril, passion or the mundane is wildly distracting and I'm trying to understand it better to tamp it down. I'm sure you've surmised by now this got me thinking beyond snakes and sticks.

As the "me too's" roll in and men understand more about how women navigate the world, I'm not sure they realize how consistently women assess situations and turn the responsibility on themselves. Many times, I didn't even understand the situation I was in until it was over and I vowed not to be fooled again. Brave women sharing their stories have liberated me from some of the guilt of not getting it right but not from the reality I live in. If I get hurt or put in danger, I understand someone will eventually say it is partially my fault. That "someone" could even be me accusing myself. Getting it wrong is embarrassing at best and fatal at worst. 

Here's what I found in the parking lot.

"Stupid mouse, never saw it coming." "What's up with whatever killed it? Didn't even eat it?" "It's not about food! It's about Power! "or "Poor mousey!" Maybe some wisdom about nature and the universe? Does it even matter?

So I guess this is a plea for compassion from the "good guys" out there. Please understand, sometimes you look like a snake. I know it isn't your fault but sometimes we get it wrong about you when we are always trying really hard to get it right. It is so hard to know and many of us have been lied to by people who swore we could trust them. If we do read it wrong, taking your "stick-ness" and beating us over the head to prove how much you are not a snake is more painful than avoiding an actual snake. I get that it is frustrating. It is frustrating for us too!  It is a skittish time for a lot of women talking about this for the first time, so anything you can do to help out is truly appreciated. 

I'm ready to let some defenses down and I've felt encouraged by meaningful conversations I've had with men about new understandings they are coming to. I want new understanding too. I think we've been so conditioned not to tell the truth we don't even know how to speak about it properly.

However, I remain hopeful. 

Are you a Wader, Swimmer, or Diver?

If you’ve been following Elisa Parker and me you may have heard us reference the Waders/Swimmers/Divers of activism and engagement. While it is a simple metaphor for interviews and calls to action, we’ve observed it works well in application; organizing people and helping them stay engaged. It is a concept based on my experience as a media producer, particularly during the early days of developing web content that dovetailed with traditional media. It is a popular concept in those circles that I’ve adapted since working on the Women’s March Sacramento.

I shared these concepts with Indivisible Women Nevada County as we worked to understand, convey and support messages across different experiences. I refer to it often to help me reframe things that feel too personal or distracting. It is all personal really but I've been sidelined by reactive actions when I needed to focus on creating the change I'd like to see. Learning to avoid that or disengage is a lifelong process. I'm a work in progress on taking the high road for greater good.

Because much of our political discourse is done through social media, many concepts are directly transferable but the real fuel of activism is the passion that each individual brings to their engagement on the issue. Respect for the specific time, energy, and experience of each person, while holding together the whole, is the bedrock of organizing. It is especially important as national “political brands” shape the language we use to communicate. People are at the heart of all effective movements and most would agree they have experienced distracting communication breakdowns.

If there is confusion in your organization, effectively engaging people to communicate with each other will take care of much heavy lifting on trying to “control the message”. Control is an illusion and often alienates good people looking to lend a hand. Internal conflicts lead to confusion and hurt feelings as well as actively distract from the real work that brought everyone together. Screaming "You're focusing on the wrong thing!" can be equally disheartening to the people you need the most. Even if it is entirely true, tone, language and nuance can help empower people to navigate their own waters effectively. 

As I’ve said many times, I’m newbie. I’m going to throw these concepts out there in the hope we can share experience to gain understanding and move forward. If you think I’m way off base, I’m willing to hear it. I share this information with the caveat that it isn’t peer reviewed, double-blind tested, academically approved, or certified outside of my experience navigating the media world and the new political landscape for the past few months. I am simply taking my own advice and sharing what I know. 

I would love it if you took some time to review via your own efforts and tell me if it feels applicable. I know Indivisible Women Nevada County has been using these categories to help them express how they show up and communicate to good effect. If you think it might work for your organization feel free to adapt and share for your needs. If this proves helpful, I'll share concepts on dealing people "observing from the shore" in my next post.

 

Read the descriptions below and let me know if they resonate for you or if there is something I should add. We all grow from teaching and learning. Thanks for letting me share. 

Are you a Wader? 

You are just dipping a toe in and figuring out if you fit into the movement calling you. You know you need to do something in this political climate but not sure what. You want to be the most effective you can be with clear limits to time and energy.

Perhaps you were a Swimmer or a Diver but circumstances have required you to take on a Wader role.

Specific Areas You Can Help:
Daily calls to politicians or organizations asking for change or thanking them for support.
Discussing your involvement with friends and encouraging others to dip in.
Supporting Divers with specific needs like donations, call banks, voter registration, social media shares/comments and being an audience to bigger actions.

Leadership:
There are leadership activities that require less time commitment. Go through your toolbox of skills and let your group know what you can offer: printing, fundraising, design, welcoming new members, sign making, childcare, art, writing etc. Channel your enthusiasm into skills that you already have. You’ll feel better seeing things get done in a shorter amount of time, build connection through an existing passion and the rest of the group will appreciate the quick action.

Awareness:
Be aware that enthusiasm ebbs and flows. Take breaks as needed. Learn to set a workable pace and adapt as you go.

Don’t judge yourself or compare yourself to others. Limits to time and energy can feel frustrating. The group dynamic should feel supportive. If you are feeling judged, overwhelmed, or angered reach out to one or two like minds within instead of turning away. Let a Swimmer know you are struggling and ask for help setting a workable pace.

Understand the limits and challenges to Swimmer and Diver actions before signing up. We want everyone to be safe and healthy.

Be respectful of others’ time as you learn without judgment. If something does not resonate for you and you would like to share feedback, do so with the understanding it is important to the person engaging in it. It may be her life’s work.

If there is something you don’t understand, ask for clarification or more reading. Sometimes it is great to ask in a public forum. Sometimes a more personal approach gets to deeper understanding. Often an innocent question sounds like an accusation when asked in social media or at an event. Dialogue and questions are great so be sure it is productive in order for you to get what you need to move forward.  If it appears everyone knows what is going on and you aren’t clear, ask privately for additional information so you can get up to speed at your own pace. Sometimes the rush of Swimmers and Divers feels like lack of consideration. It shouldn’t feel personal but it often does.

Are You A Swimmer?

You know how to hold your breath underwater and make it cross the pool! You have some training and expertise in the issues most important to you. Setting a pace for change comes a little easier as you’ve worked in activist roles before and understand you win some; you lose some. You have time to commit to showing up for political action but it can’t be your full time job. Perhaps you’d like to do more but life circumstances and responsibilities require a clear limit to your engagement.

Specific Areas You Can Help:
Onboarding and teaching new activists.
Creatively organizing “small bite” actions for Waders.
Creatively strategizing “big bite” action for Divers.
You’re the middle child here; help hold the center together with respectful communication about the limits and challenges in each action.

Model good boundaries and best practices for maintaining them in all your communications.

Leadership:
You know your issues and effectively communicate when something big is bubbling up and when something should be kept on the radar at a marathon pace. You may have a specific story to share about how an issue is affecting you. Work on honing that and strategizing the best way to share it. If you don’t have a story, support someone who does. Recognize Waders looking to go deeper and help them set their own pace. Recognize when a Diver needs to get involved or needs help clarifying a position to the lager group. Don’t hesitate to contact them with clear solutions.

Awareness:
Holding the middle can be an important challenge. Don’t feel compelled to take a Wader or Diver position if conflict comes up. There should be no judgment in the middle or at the edges. Know your limits of how much you can do and absorb. All the issues are important so take comfort in knowing you are part of a group with experts in each area. Save a little space to learn more to better inform your focus but don’t feel compelled to focus on it all. If you see some misinformation or would like to clarify an issue assess weather it is best discussed in public or private before responding with a goal towards deeper understanding. Often communicating in a broadcast fashion is less effective.

Be aware of your own oxygen as well as the Waders and Divers. You don’t want to throw someone into the deep end before they are ready, nor do you want rip the oxygen mask off someone below sea. It often appears that Divers have gills, they don’t. They have their limits as well. If you have a concern please feel comfortable sharing but be aware a concern with a solution attached is always well received.

Are you a Diver?

You’ve got all the gear, training, experience and skills to spend hours under water. Perhaps this is a lifetime of activism or perhaps you know you are called to make it a life. You are willing to actively engage in public action, travel great lengths to protest, run for office, create a foundation, put your life and body into this work that feels most important to you.

Specific Areas You Can Help:
Creating events
Running for office
Communicating with national media and like minded organizations
Shaping message and strategy
Rallying enthusiasm

Leadership:
You can model and inspire others with your action. You can effectively communicate to large groups and at the national level. You represent the change we want to see in body and deed. Modeling how to be passionate about an issue, recover from setbacks and work with people who may not agree with you is key.

Awareness:
Your commitment can inspire as well as intimidate. By no fault of your own, your choices may feel like judgment. Awareness that enthusiasm can create a rush of energy that sometimes blows past people is important. Invitations to engage are specifically challenging, as often the work you do isn’t for everyone.

Consider how public communication and actions serve Waders and Swimmers as well. Please effectively communicate physical and legal risks attached to all your actions.

You may have been doing this a long time but there is always something new to learn. If your answer is “We’ve always done it this way”, consider going deeper. Take time to communicate with Waders and Swimmers outside of large groups. Often people need a more personal invitation to engage. Your enthusiasm on an issue may feel like you are asking the group to agree with you. Consider how the goal of understanding plays a key role in the dynamic of this multifaceted group. Encourage others to stay within the group even if they disagree with something you are passionate about. 

Let's Get Creative

As my newly activated friends and I continue our journey, one theme consistently emerges, "How do we get to a marathon pace?"  Like many others, I've wondered if my engagement is sustainable or a simply a part of a reactive mind trying to heal a broken heart. I've even considered if I might, at one point, "get it over it." as many have suggested I do.

Well I'm not over it and I can say after much rest and perspective, I won't get over it. I don't need to rehash the shock and horror I felt or shed one more tear. I can organize, get out the vote, learn more, engage more and get creative. It helps and it helps me to see others do it too! 

So here are 3 things to stir your creative juices and hopefully inspire you to use what talent you have to express yourself. This isn't a sprint, so it helps to do what you love while making a difference.

New Postcards
This time I included a detail of my own painting, "Miss Get Over It 2017" inspired by...well...I bet you can guess...you know that... (Unintelligible.)

As always they are free to download and donations are gladly accepted. The downloadable .pdf works with 4 Tall Postcard stock or Avery product numbers 3263, 33380, 3377, 3380, 3381, 5689, 8383, 8387, 8577.

Episode 2 District One Media Report (Now with a podcast home and bad-ass logo)
Listen Now

New Column
A brand new voice at Broke Ass Stuart. Meri Mohr is one of many new friends I can thank the President  for. I am so happy she is sharing her story here.
THE RESISTANCE IN TRUMP COUNTRY CALIFORNIA

I am working on some tips to get you and your community organized and engaged. Kindergarten rules still apply: sharing is good and I'm happy to let you know what we've learned. Stay tuned!
 

CA District One Media is Here

Sometimes the work of changing a district from solidly red to blue feels impossible. It is especially challenging when allies tell you it is impossible too. This is why I'm so grateful for my friends who look at the numbers and say "What?! Easy! We can do that!" and get to work doing something about it.

In the spirit of a true, grassroots, effort, please welcome to the airwaves "CA District One Media" which premiered on KVMR this week. 

Listen here:

Awesome, right? Gives you all sorts of ideas and inspiration, right? Wondering how you can help, right? 

This is only the beginning of what many smart, committed, and talented people are ready to launch. Here are 3 ways you can get involved now:

1. Know a fresh voice in CA District One who is fired up about the state of our current politics and wants to use their voice to make real change? They need someone who is camera ready and willing to commit to regular taping sessions now through the 2018 mid-term elections. Maybe it is you! If so, contact Stephanie Nix, snix@onsitemanagement.net. Let her know your skills or share a great YouTube video that reflects your talent. This is an unpaid position. 

2. Tune in to KVMR news hour 6-7pm PST every Monday to hear the latest on elected officials' actions in Congress, their votes, and public comments. Talk to your friends about what you learn. Share your concerns.

3. If you have some extra money lying around, make a donation to KVMR. Community radio is more important than ever. 

Stay tuned for more!

Indivisible Women and A Day Without A Woman Nevada County

There is no one right way to do this, like there is no one right way to be a woman.

KVMR Interview

More cool images to use from Indivisible Women. Click here to use them.

IndivisibleWomen.org

Facebook page for the latest! 

Hashtags to use for the day.

#SheMeansBusiness
#IndivisibleWomenNevadaCounty
#WhyIResist
#ArmyOfLove
#DayWithoutAWoman
#DayWithoutAWomanNC

New Postcards and a Donate Button

I have been overwhelmed with requests for the postcards I created this week. I wish I could fill every request and hand deliver each one with a big hug and cup of tea.

That doesn't seem practical though. 

And I'm working on being practical. I'm trying to use my emotions as fuel to create change and spread understanding, not burn out quickly in a fiery show. I know that sounds like some hippy stuff but in simple terms, I need to work, eat, love my family, and still show up in a new role as politically active. I thought I was active before, ha! 

In my effort to find balance I'm including a donate button as people keep generously offering to purchase cards. That doesn't feel right though. I made them with the intent to gift them to my community at a small event for free. I wish I could afford to gift as many as were requested (with the tea and hug too). 

The card designs are fairly simple but it did take me about 5 hours to design them, print them and now upload them. I'd like to continue offering digital designs for free as well as my FB "Today I'm thinking about..." posts that have generated lots of great feedback and discussion.  I do much of it for myself, to figure out where and how an artist, LA transplant via Cleveland and Pittsburgh, mother, wife, friend, writer, fits into the big picture but I've come to understand that sharing my vulnerability helps other people too. 

So until we can meet for tea, I'd be grateful for any donation to help keep me working, thinking, sharing, and painting. My friend, Elisa tells me to be more open to abundance around my gifts.

I will take people asking to give me money as a sign and humbly attach this button. 
 

To be clear this is not going to any non-profit. It is going to me. If you like what I'm doing, I'll gratefully accept a donation and keep going.

If not, please still enjoy these cards! They are designed  to be printed on card stock 8.5" x 11" or Avery style Postcards 4 to a page. Some will have a back but if you don't have a fancy 2-sided printer I encourage you to just print the front. I bet a friendly local printer could whip some up for you too using the files provided. 

Thanks for letting me share.
 

This download includes 2 sides with the back addressed to Doug LaMalfa. Feel free to download and only print the front so you can address your own state representative. 

This In Not Normal Postcards

Here are some free postcards. They are in black and white and can be printed on Avery brand postcard stock 5389 for the set of two and Avery 5689 for set of 4.

I like to think they are bipartisan. 

Word for the Year 2017

My 2016 Word for the Year was "Solo". It was effective and helped me navigate storms I never saw coming.

2017 word is "nuance". 

noun
1.

a subtle difference in colour, meaning, tone, etc; a shade or graduation

verb (transitive; passive) 
2.

to give subtle differences to: carefully nuanced words.

Word Origin

C18: from French, from nuer to show light and shade, ultimately from Latin nūbēs a cloud

As I scratch to find common ground and purpose at the end of 2016 (a shit show by most standards), my greatest obstacle is binary thinking, absence of nuance. I was lectured quite definitively about "fight or flight" when a gun enthusiast questioned if I had the guts to take a life to protect my own. As a victim of gun violence, I shared the nuance of what actually happens when a gun is at your head. I think we found common ground there and I'm glad for the conversation. 

That conversation eventually hit an impasse but even my progressive friends have left me flat with their own popular "love or fear" world view. I have tried but I can't assimilate that narrow choice and apply to my own emotional state. I wish I could. I'm jealous of the clarity but unable to find inspiration or comfort there. Can't hating something be part of the chiaroscuro of love in action? Can't a person fight something by turning away from it? Shouldn't a person show up to defend what is right in a democracy before 20/20 hindsight makes everything perfectly clear? I owe it to myself and my country to observe the nuance in individual experience; to struggle for deeper understanding before charging ahead.

"Doing it right" is impossible in this clumsy mass of emotions and experience that is "me". I'll say the wrong things and I'll tend to my ugly feelings in ugly ways but I'll try to do better. I suspect other good people feel the same; cowed and quiet or crippled by rage due to impossible choices fomented through media machines, political agenda, familial loyalty, educational bias, sexual urges, parenting anxiety and marketing hacks. I'd like to get to know more about those experiences. I think it will require more face to face time. I know it will require an easily replenished well of forgiveness for myself and others. 

The origins are from the Latin "cloud". I was waiting to find a word that felt more definitive, more clear but that isn't going to happen.  It is my job to find the lines to draw and the edges to soften. It can't be all broad strokes although sometimes they are required.  

2017 I will move forward, embracing the lack of clarity, walk in the clouds, armed only with the confidence that I know the difference between piss on my leg and a soft Spring rain. 

"Miss Get Over It Series" will be on display at The Osborn Woods Gallery at The Miners Foundry starting January 12. 

Miss Get Over It 2017
18" x 24"
Oil, Acrylic, Graphite, Pastel on Canvas

Miss Congeniality 2017
18" x 24"
Oil, Acrylic, Graphite, Pastel on Canvas

First Runner Up 2017
18" x 24"
Oil, Acrylic, Graphite, Pastel on Canvas

Back to the Sea

I ran into another artist the other day who mentioned a critique she was given. Her paintings need "more narrative". I almost gasped as I recalled a critique I was given, "too much narrative." Like parenting, I'm able to find an expert to tell me I'm doing it wrong no matter what I do. What a relief to consider it doesn't matter.

Not caring is a lifetime practice. I try to go deeper into the stretch of not giving a fuck, every year. Drilling down to the marrow of experience to find the purity of my vision, that will take a lifetime. I'm almost certain I can't transcend it completely, but the journey is the practice and the journey is worth it. I try to save my worries for my kids' future and remembering to buy dog food.

"Mermaid Girl" is an attempt to capture a "real mermaid". The image is about authenticity. What would it be like if you saw a real one? It would probably be out of the corner of your eye, not preening on a rock.  Maybe you'd doubt you actually saw it, doing her own thing regardless of perceived deformity or sexualized mythology. She doesn't care about your legs and there is something magical about that. 

Mermaid Girl

20" X 20"

Available exclusively at Conjuring Design